We are now spending a lot of our time waiting and convincing. Of course there are tons of other things that we are doing with a five day old baby, but much of it seems to be waiting. Waiting for Jessi Girl to wake up so we can see those eyes. Waiting for her to start to wake up so we can watch the cutest wake up process ever. Waiting for her to go to sleep so we can sleep. Waiting for her to wake up because we know she is ready to eat. Waiting for her to get used to a schedule of some sorts so we can too. Even before she got here we waited for her to arrive. We waited to know what she would look like.

So we wait and wait and wait. Then in the long nights and extended crying periods we do a lot of convincing…at least we try. We walk her all over the house and tell her everything’s ok as if we have a clue why she is still crying. We swaddle her up. We change her diapers. We hold her tight. We do all these things and constantly try to convince her. We tell her we love her. We tell her everything’s ok. We tell her she’s fine. We tell her she will be our favorite over all the other future kids if she will go to sleep. We tell her everything in hopes that we can convince her.

The good thing is that in a while (exact period of time unknown) she will start to catch on to these things. She will know that we love her. She will sleep without us constantly waiting to see if it will ever happen. Makes me think about my life. How many times has God done that for me? How much does He still do it? He waits and waits and waits for me. He waits for me to give myself over to Him every day. He waits for me to obey Him. He waited for me to give Him my heart and mind. He made all of creation trying to convince me of Him. He uses my little baby to convince me that He loves me. He tells me He loves me. He tells me everything’s ok.

I hope that I can live my life responding to Him in the way Jessi Girl is growing to know us.

All my life (well ever since I have really known what was going on) I have wondered how anyone could ever be a deadbeat parent.  It has just never made sense in my head.  How could you not be a part of your children’s/family’s lives?  It just doesn’t make sense.  Blah, blah, blah, we didn’t mean to get pregnant, I was drunk, she doesn’t want me around, excuses, excuses, excuses.  I don’t wanna hear you stupid crap.  The fact is that you took part in something that carries major consequences with it and whether you were thinking straight or not, you knew what could happen.

Like I said before, I just can’t understand this process.  I don’t understand that decision.  I can’t rationalize it.  My wife and I are only halfway through our pregnancy and I already know that I love that little girl so much that I don’t even understand it.  How could I ever not do my job and take care of my responsibility to her and my wife?  How could I ever not be there for her?  Yes, I know there will be hard times.  Life is often full of those times.  There will be times that she doesn’t like me.  There will be times that I have to be the bad guy.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I love her more than I can explain (except that by explaining that I can’t explain it I have explained it)!  It doesn’t change the fact that I will always want the best for her and will do everything I can to help her understand these things.  She needs to know that she is loved.  She needs to know that from her daddy.

Deadbeat “dad” is NOT an option.  It’s not even a good term!  You don’t even deserve the title of dad if it is proceeded by deadbeat.  I am censoring myself right here because I can’t give it a better name other than deadbeat that doesn’t involve words that I’m not supposed to say.  I guess this just get’s me fired up.  It’s just stupid.  I don’t know that you can sanely rationalize it any other way.  It is NOT an option.